Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half