If only
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Meanwhile in Portland…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief