Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.