Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.