If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*