Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
me when i see my girls butt
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar