Foo fighters still fighting foo.
You Might Also Like
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.