Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Found the job I’m suited for
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Bill is short for Billiam