My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.