I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?