Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”