At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Only short people can save us
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
how long have you had this for?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie