This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face