I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
my professor scared me for a second
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo