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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Become ungovernable.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Well, that should do it
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him