There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I forgot how to panic. Help
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent