Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
You Might Also Like
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.