Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship