my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?