me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.