SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
A friend helps you before you need it
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.