ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
what’s really going on
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning