mechanics be like
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One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.