We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
iPhone X
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.