Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.