Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.