Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.