(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM