I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious