Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*