My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Hank is one in a melon.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to