Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..