I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Love it! 👍😂
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.