I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.