Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Well, this is awkward
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?