me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it