Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
stand with me against insufficient seating
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.