You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.