Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.