Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
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villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich