*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.