Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
boat question
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work