2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
That lamp looks PISSED.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.