When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.