My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Just say no
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*