Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
You Might Also Like
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.