I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You Might Also Like
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Is this you?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*