I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
starting a garage orchestra
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?