If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?