I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
You Might Also Like
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
get you a girl who
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?